if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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