That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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