He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
