our cab driver is having phone sex.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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