i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
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