I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
