I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
