Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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