Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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