Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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