hell yes lets make some ravioli
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
