I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
