I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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