how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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