If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
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I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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