He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
