we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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