i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
