i permit you to call me
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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