i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize