I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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