Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
