There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
