I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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