I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
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