We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
