It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
