and you said cock pushups were impossible
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
