Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
