Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
