Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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