i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
