my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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