So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Randomize
