I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
