I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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