I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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