Who wears a wallet chain?!
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
