I can text with my tongue
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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