yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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