I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Your dad touched me again.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
