You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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