You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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