giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
