Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
