he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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