I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It's official drugs can't kill me
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
