So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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