i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
