Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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