I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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