i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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