My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
