I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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