I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
