Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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